How Can I Be More Assertive?

Written by Dr. Shireen Stephen

Here's the first article from Dr. Shireen Stephen on this blog. We always seem to be focused on whether we are an introvert or extrovert, or some cross of these two personality archetypes. A slightly more functional approach in adjusting to situations is gauging your level of passiveness, aggressiveness, or assertiveness. As always, this is a gradient, with lots of grey, and is very situational. Dr. Shireen breaks this down very simply in this article. Give it a read, and give your assertiveness a boost.

- Dr. P

How can I be more assertive?

There are times in our lives when we are faced with situations in which we must stand up for ourselves. It may involve a friend who continuously borrows money from us. It may be a noisy neighbor playing his music too loud. Or a poor performance rating at work that you feel you don’t deserve. When faced with these situations, there are generally three ways that we may respond. We may be passive, aggressive or assertive.

How would you respond to these situations?

You may be passive and accept the situation even though you want to say no – “Sure, let me just stop by an ATM and get the money for you.”

You may be aggressive and yell at your neighbour – “SHUT THAT NOISE OFF!”

You may be assertive and express your view firmly without offending the other person – “I’d like to understand why I got such a low performance rating when I got the highest revenues in the whole team. Could you please explain it to me?”

Assertiveness involves being open in expressing your wishes, thoughts and feelings and encouraging others to do likewise; listening to the views of others and responding appropriately, whether in agreement with those views or not; accepting responsibilities and being able to delegate to others; maintaining good boundaries with others; being firm without being rude; regularly expressing appreciation of others for what they have done or are doing; clarifying disputes immediately without letting them build up; being able to admit mistakes and apologize; maintaining self-control; and behaving as an equal to others.

Being assertive falls right in the middle of being passive and being aggressive. If you are passive, you will never get to vocalize your needs; if you are aggressive, you will look like a bully and provoke a lot of resentment from others; but if you are assertive, you will be able to express your desires while respecting the needs of others and you will have a better chance of getting what you want and deserve.

Can you be assertive all the time? Maybe. But it helps to know that assertiveness is contextual. All of us behave passively in some situations and aggressively in other situations and this could be perfectly acceptable in society. For example, if you are in an extremely competitive job, you would be required to be aggressive in getting business deals. In our Indian culture, we are taught at a young age to be obedient to our elders. So if your parents or grandparents were to ask you to do something for them, you might do it without asking too many questions simply because society expects it of you or because it is considered your “role” in the context of family, society and work.

Does this then mean that you should be a “pushover” when it comes to your elders in society and superiors at work? Not necessarily. The important thing here is to be able to express our own feelings, opinions, thoughts and desires to the other person without offending him or her. If your own and other people’s boundaries, rights and morals are being compromised in any way, then chances are that you are no longer assertive but aggressive.

As you can see, there is a thin line between being assertive and being aggressive. You may think that you are standing up for yourself, but you may actually be behaving aggressively. Let’s explore some of these instances.

If the way that you are being assertive sounds a little aggressive, you can’t help but convey the message that “my perspective is more important than yours and should be given top priority.” In such instances, you’re simply unwilling to consider that the other person’s position is – in the world of their experience – just as sincere, authentic, or heartfelt as yours.

If you are convinced that your way of thinking is the “only” right one, you may inadvertently be dismissive of others’ viewpoints. This failed assertiveness is not only discourteous and disrespectful, but almost certain to defeat your purpose. When you adamantly stand up for yourself, it can be quite offensive to the other person. This may prompt the other person to similarly be attacking or defensive towards you or may cause them to withdraw from you altogether.

If you are too insecure to look within your own possible weaknesses or wrongdoing, you may feel compelled to stubbornly defend your viewpoint even though it may be irrational. You may not be able to realistically assess whether it is you who needs to reconsider your position or to change in some way. As long as you feel this way, you may close yourself off to what the other person has to say.

How can you check if you’re doing it right? One way is to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see things from his or her perspective. Would you then still behave the same way?

It also helps to think about how much you really need to justify or explain yourself. Is it possible to agree that you have different viewpoints and leave it at that? Do you always need to win every argument?

Non-attackingly clarifying your perspective to the other person without being self-righteous or too defensive may also help. Can you put your point across without offending the other person?

Familiarizing yourself with the facts of the situation may also help so that you have a firm foundation to stand on when you are standing up for yourself. Are your arguments based on facts? Is there a possibility that they could be irrational?

Observing how other people react to you once you’ve started being assertive may also help in checking your own behaviour. Do they respect you more now? Are they hurt or offended? When you’ve learned how to mindfully stand up for yourself, you’ll find that you’ve greatly increased the odds that whatever you have to say will be better understood — and given more weight — than may ever have been the case previously.

Does all this seem difficult to put into action? Maybe so at the beginning. But once you begin to practice assertiveness consciously on a daily basis, you may find that it becomes easier with time and may even come naturally to you at some point. If you would like further help in learning how to be assertive and finding that delicate balance between assertiveness and aggressiveness, speak to a professionally qualified counselor. 

On The Run From... Running?

Written by Dr. Prathap Addageethala

It's getting warmer out there, and people are starting to stretch their legs by getting out and putting in a few kms on the road. As North America thaws out from an exceedingly frigid winter, it's rolling into the hottest part of the year here in Southern India, where temperatures can soar past 37C with regularity.

I am planning to run a 10K for the very first time in May of this year. There. I said it. You know what they say, "speak your dreams into existence." And I'll be honest with you, I'm a bit nervous. That seems fairly normal considerig the longest race I have ever run was while I competed for my elementary school's cross country team. I can't even be sure that it was more than 5km back then, so if it wasn't, then 5km was my all time longest run. EXACTLY HALF OF HOW FAR I NEED TO GO.

In high school I was a decent athlete. During our mandatory timed mile run in Phys.Ed I posted a  respectable 6 minutes and change; during our 12 minute timed run, I chugged out 7 laps. A lot has changed since then! Two degrees, multiple injuries, and two moves across international borders later, I'm a slightly overweight and under-active healthcare practitioner. Doctors are human too!

I have had a longer hiatus from training and regular exercise than I'm proud to admit. So, naturally, my worries in running this middle distance race stem from that; will I be able to finish? will I injure myself? After doing some light reading about starting a running regimen, I noticed a few things. It seems that all fledgling runners go through a period of uncertainty. Everything that I read indicate that they are all normal concerns that engaging in a new physical form of rigorous training elicits. And rightfully so!

Common injuries that occur to novice runners (fairly common in experienced runners as well!) include shin splints, IT Band syndrome, cramping, sprains, and other strain based injuries. By and large, these injuries happen due to poor warm up/cool down strategies, and a case of "too much, too soon." As with any other form of exercise, it is best to build up to a challenging routine to give your body a chance for success. Feeling DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) is normal if you are just starting out, or just getting back into working out. Try to challenge yourself in each successive workout, keep an eye on your form (there is a proper way to run, believe it or not), and listen to your body.

Here are some tips and tricks on navigating the road, the trail, or the treadmill as you prepare yourself for your next athletic achievement! Incidentally, since I'll be on a major training kick in the weeks approaching the big race, I'll be blogging more about running as I come across valuable information to share. Keep an eye out for the "Running" folder in the coming weeks.

Make a run for it with these training tips:

• Stay hydrated! A common recommendation is to drink 8 cups of fluids a day. This is just a general guideline and not a hard and fast rule. Obviously if you are sweating profusely from an uptempo workout, you should be replacing the fluid lost with an extra cup or two of water, and it is recommended to replace electrolytes (salts) with a sports drink. This is a huge topic, and will be covered in a later blog entry. YOUR GOAL: 3L (12 cups) spread through the day. Here's a life hack on how to stay evenly hydrated through the day.

• Warm up dynamically (actively). Doing sport specific movements will aid you further in achieving athletic performance than your average hold-that-position (static) stretch. A healthy warm up for running may include a light jog for 5-10 minutes, followed by 1-2 sets of lunges, prisoner squats, leg swings, windmills, jogging butt kicks, walking knee raises, and walking mummy kicks. YOUR GOAL: Improve your flexbility and endurance of the muscles you engage most during your sport activity.

• Keep records but don't let it discourage you. Set some goals and work your way towards them. Your best bet to know if you're improving or subconsciously slacking off is to keep an accurate record of your running activities. Some people use heart rate monitors and other gadgets to keep electronic or digital logs of their runs, which is a solid idea. I personally use an app on my smartphone called MapMyRun, which features a simple and easy interface, and excellent in-run guidance. Only drawbacks to this app are that it doesn't do much for a treadmill workout (other than keep time), and you have to keep a clunky smartphone on your person during your run. YOUR GOAL: Record each workout, and challenge yourself to improve your times on a week to week basis.

• Get rest. I can't emphasize this one enough. Your body grows and repairs itself largely while asleep, so make sure you are doing what you can to get adequate amounts. In addition to the typical grogginess, mind fog, and irritability that one feels when not well rested, we also become more susceptible to injury and cramping. A growing body of evidence also shows that using an electronic device with a screen (smartphone, laptop, tablet, etc) just before sleeping can lead to a decreased quality of sleep. YOUR GOAL: 6-7 hours of quality sleep each night, turn off your electronics at least 30 mins before bed.

• Wear proper footwear. Unfortuately those 5 year old sneakers that you wear during any and all athletic undertakings will not suffice when it comes to a renewed dedication to running. Seeking out a running professional at a running specific sporting goods store is a great way to get a shoe that is tailor made to your body type and needs. It is easy to pick the wrong shoe from myriad choices on the shoe rack, so in this sense, a little research goes a long way. I really benefited a ton from Runner's World's "shoe advisor." And I really liked their tool for determining your own arch height and foot type. With moderate usage (around 25-30 km a week) it is recommended to get new shoes every 6-8 months. Even though the shoe might remain in good shape from the outside, the heel pad and cushions for the sole of your foot might be too thin to effectively absorb the repeated pounding of the pavement. Barefoot running is a completely different animal, so stay tuned for an article about that. For average height arches, and neutral foot roll, I can't think of a better shoe than Asics Gel Nimbus series. YOUR GOAL: Assess your footwear situation, and pony up for a decent pair of running shoes that are used exclusively for running. Runner's World has an excellent assortment that can fit every budget.

• Supplement intelligently. As I mentioned above, each of these tips and tricks can be their own blog entry or fill many pages in a text book. According to Examine.com (a trusted source for accurate and succinct health information backed by scientific research) the three supplements that absolutely work include fish oils, vitamin D, and creatine. Fish oils are excellent for joint pain reduction (at higher dosages) and decreasing free floating fats in the bloodstream which is fantastic for heart health. Vitamin D is essential for bone health, and is necessary in order to absorb Calcium, the bone-building staple. Creatine was a much-maligned supplement about 10 years ago, when claims that it created a higher incidence of kidney stones surfaced. The reality is that any protein-dense diet (with or without creatine) can create kidney stones and gout if proper measures aren't taken to hydrate responsibly. Creatine supplementation provides extra energy for your cellular processes, and has been shown to improve physical performance, and boost muscle growth. YOUR GOAL: Regular supplementation with a recommended multivitamin, fish oils, and creatine can help you surpass performance obstacles. Keep in mind, these are supplements, you know, in addition to a balanced diet rich in green leafy veggies, lean protein, and healthy fats.

It is always better to check with your MD regarding your current blood chemistry and physical fitness before engaging in a new, vigorous exercise regimen. Your chiropractor can help you manage your performance by decreasing joint pain and stiffness, improving your range of motion and flexibility, and by keeping your nervous system in optimal shape. 

See you out there!

- Dr. P