Hoping to Cope

Written by Dr. Prathap Addageethala

Last month, I wrote an article about grief, and the theories surrounding how human beings feel when confronted with a loss. Too often, people are left in the dark, grasping for positive ways to channel the myriad emotions that accompany grief. Many times this can lead to destructive behaviours such as alcoholism, drug addiction, or channeling anger towards friends or loved ones. The truth is that no loss is easy to deal with, and depending on your personal experiences, each loss can reside in you differently, as they might from the person to person.

Grief, in its many forms and variations, can be complicated in unexpected ways. At times a fleeting memory or thought can trigger a rush of emotions and can have automatic physical effects. Surely anyone with a failed romance can recall a loss of appetite upon seeing a picture of the ex-partner, or that pang of anguish when you think of the moment that favourite sweater caught a snag and tore. The important things to remember are that these are natural reactions, and that losses are bound to happen.

The following is a list of suggestions that can help you get through tough times positively, and may also have lasting effects to improve many other areas of your life. Some are "common sense" applications, and others have been found through my interactions with healthcare practitioners. Take a deep breath and enjoy.

EXERCISE

Let's be honest, you knew this was coming. But I'm not making it up! Oodles of research shows that through various groups, controls, and trials, exercise unequivocally can improve various mood states, anxiety and depression. Aim for 30 minutes of low intensity exercise daily, and jazz it up every so often with something new, like a leisure sport or activity. Take your dog for a walk on a longer, more scenic route. Join a running group that suits your experience level. Play tag with your kids at the park! Exercise doesn't have to include a gym, yoga pants, or profuse amounts of sweating. If you're feeling the effects of a loss, just changing your scenery actively is a step in the right direction, quite literally.

Go have fun! Yay!

MEDITATION

Common misconception: you don't need to be a Buddhist monk or a professional yogi to know how to meditate. Meditation is a simple focus based exercise for the mind and body. The response from meditation is so pronounced, even from short periods of time on a daily basis, that it is regularly prescribed by progressive MDs as opposed to medicines. On Functional MRI studies, the areas of the brain responsible for attention, mood, anxiety, and emotional responses were highly active in subjects engaged in meditation. The benefit of this is similar to giving your brain a workout - only it doesn't tire out - it feels rejuvenated (also similar to the runner's high distance runner's may experience). It gives the brain a boost, just where it's needed. If you're new to meditation, start with simple "Noticing your Breath." The process is simple. Take 5 minutes, turn off your phone, turn your monitor off, and close your eyes. Breathe in through the nose slowly, and breathe out through the nose as well. All you want to focus on is the feeling of the air passing in and out of your nostrils. If any unwanted thoughts arise, anything outside of the concentration of air passing in and out of your nose, gently bring yourself back. That's it! You can also try one of my favourites - yoga nidra - which is also referred to as "guided meditation" or "body scan." This may require a slightly longer amount of time, the use of headphones, and preferably a mat to lie on. Try this 10 minute clip, care of my friends at YouTube.

All you need is yourself and a chair.

MINDFULNESS

The art of mindfulness has really picked up steam in the last few years among mental health practitioners. While technically a method of meditation, mindfulness goes a bit beyond focused attention and concentration. Instead, this thought process focuses on the present-time, and aligning your day to day activities with a level of detachment. The core beliefs of mindfulness involves "staying present" and treating yourself with kindness. From Psychology Today, the definition is:

Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.

In other words, realize that we as human beings are subject to a number of thought processes about everything. The key is to approach each situation with kindness to yourself. Instead of kicking yourself about feeling one way or another, simply take a moment to recognize that you are feeling a certain way about something, and allow yourself that moment. Another staple of mindfulness is to refrain from being reactive, giving yourself space to feel. Bringing every moment back to the present is a life-long learning process, and requires just a bit of patience. In each situation, gently bring yourself back to the present and avoid judging yourself on your actions. For some additional information on mindfulness, please visit Psychology Today - a great collection of articles regarding how you can start to include mindfulness in your everyday.


VOLUNTEERING
Our time has become ever shorter as we advance through the age of technology. From the same position at our desk, we can order a pizza, donate to disaster relief, and diagnose ourselves with various conditions (WebMD syndrome). In other words, we can keep ourselves remarkably busy with relatively little physical effort, but we tend to exhaust our mind's resources. We tend to stay fixated within our own world, constantly thinking of ways to survive in or improve our current station. Volunteering is a form of constructive escapism. Mahatma Gandhi famously said "The best way to find yourself is by losing yourself in the services of others." By helping others, whether human or otherwise (shout outs to our furry friends), we are able to escape our current situation and let another benefit. This has tremendous potential to uplift us, out of whatever funk we may exist. Sometimes it's the change of perspective, such as working with the homeless, which can show us that our current situation could always be worse. Other times, it could be the gratitude shown by those we are helping. Lastly, it just feels good to help, without any expectation of compensation. An hour a week can have huge impacts on your community, your neighbours, and most importantly, on your own self-belief.

HOBBIES/SKILLS
We all don't want to be surrounded by loved ones when we're grieving or dealing with loss. Quiet reflection is a wonderful way to clear your mind, clarify your intentions, and even chart a course. A line can be crossed if we spend all of our time in isolation. It's one thing to be introverted and shy. It's completely a different ballgame once we let our grief and unhappiness create an unintentional space around us. Enter the hobbies you always wanted to have. Why not now? This is one of the best times to get creative, to use the time to yourself to be productive and constructive towards your own life. Start learning a new language, take up crocheting, perfect your rock skipping at the local pond. Take pleasure in gaining new skills or polishing old ones. Create!


THE PROFESSIONALS
This is less of a coping strategy than it is a recommendation. If you've ever thought about seeking the help of a mental health professional, by all means, please go and see how they might be able to help. A few years ago, amidst the stress of preparing for board exams, regular class work, and balancing a roster full of patients as a student intern, I had a personal relationship end in calamity. I felt broken! I swallowed my pride, and entered the office of one of our college's counselors, and to this day, I feel like it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I had no idea what I would talk about, and I had no idea how she could help me, still I went. She very quickly made me see that the room we met in, her office, was a safe environment. Over the next few weeks we met once or twice, for a full hour. The most positive part of the experience was that she never judged, decided anything for me, or "diagnosed" illnesses. She simply made suggestions, steered conversations around or towards certain topics, and allowed me to come to my own conclusions. Oh, and she also opened my world up to mindfulness.

There's a lot of stigma surrounding accepting care from a mental health professional. Don't let that stop you. No, you're not crazy, nor should you let anyone make you feel that way. You should be proud of yourself, you're taking steps towards bettering your health. Mental health practitioners offer objective, 3rd party advice; something you cannot receive from your parents or your friends. Having an outside professional work with you can deliver clarity, and often be invaluable in removing clutter from complicated situations.

- Dr. P